Yesterday I was visiting a place which played a big role in my life for some years. My old workplace. I have been on maternity leave for quite some time, it is more than 1,5 years now and with this break from work, so many things have changed for me. I have gotten married, I have become a mom, we have moved from an apartment to a house and then we also went on a loooong honeymoon as Tim my husband chooses to see it (we were also waiting for a residency permit for Tim to be able to settle with us in Sweden).
Many things have also changed in how I lead my life and what I find important. I have not tended so much to my looks these past two years. No make-up, comfortable clothes (isn’t it interesting that something trivial as clothes and style can stir up so much?). Going back to my workplace, I place I used to work when I was living alone, it became very clear how much has changed, but the people who still work there have not seen me changing, so I must admit it was scary to be back as my ”new self” to my ”old life”.
This is why I named this text ”Clash of Titans” because that is how it felt. It was like my old self, my old life, my old values, my old ways of doing things rose as a titan and challenged me. The titan asked and demanded: ”are you sure that the old ways weren’t better anyway?”. It continued: ”you worked hard, you looked good, you were efficient…”. Oh, if you have read my previous posts you know that what the titan is reading from is my ”good girl list”! A list of traits and ways to be and do in this world that was reinforced by society, culture, upbringing, peers, yeah a sweet mix of whatever it is that affects you growing into your adult self.
My ”new” titan awoke and told the old titan: ”This is the way we do things now, and it is sound, unlike your ways”. The resistance in me finding an outfit that would feel comfortable for both my titans was puzzling. Should I put make-up on? Maybe just a little? My new titan looked at me condemning that I could cave so easily.
Caught up in this drama suddenly a calm washed over me. I saw my titans, how they fought for me, how they wanted to keep me safe by condemning the other one, watching out for me. I smiled. Oh, titans. Thank you for your concern! I will be fine. I’m going to trust my guts when I walk to my wardrobe to pick an outfit: I am going to pick something that is comfortable and makes me feel ”representable” and then I will choose to trust my already-made decision if doubt comes and knocks on my door. And I will apply the same strategy for other clashes. How does that sound dear titans?
Originally posted on the 10th of August 2022.